We’ve all heard the stories. It seems they are on everyone’s social media feed and news station.
How to escape a narcissist.
Usually this is for those in romantic relationships with a narcissist, the impacts that has and how to get out of those generally unhealthy relationships.
But what about if it is someone you work with? There is no close personal relationship, no late night talks or traditional honeymoon periods…
Just business meetings and interactions.
What if, even in that limited environment, something still seems off? What if this is with your client, a customer, colleague or even boss?
How do you handle those situations? How do you know if it’s them or if you are just being sensitive?
And the real question we all ask ourselves…Are we just overreacting?
The only way to know is to know what you’re looking for. Have some things you can be aware of and notice if you see them on a recurring basis.
Here are some things you can look for to help you identify what’s called a covert narcissist.
High sensitivity to criticism
Let’s face it. None of us enjoy criticism. It’s uncomfortable and can be painful. And without training most of us don’t know what to do with it.
Covert narcissists, however, get very hurt by criticism. It can serve to erode their closely held beliefs about themselves.
And since they typically view themselves as overly amazing, any criticism is particularly difficult for them to hear.
Passive Aggressive
We’ve all known people who are passive aggressive at one time in our lives. It’s a manipulation tactic often used when someone is too insecure to be direct about their frustrations.
When a covert narcissist uses passive aggressiveness they are usually doing it to make themselves look better. You might see this in action by:
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Blame shifting to make others feel bad
- Question what really happened
- Sabotaging someone’s work
Self serving humility
You will often hear covert narcissists make what appear to be humble comments about themselves. While this seems to be genuine, it is actually a part of the game.
By appearing very humble and aware of their own limitations they believe they are making themselves more relatable and likable. They believe it makes them more approachable to others, even if they don’t believe their humble comments to be true.
Self critical
Covert narcissists tend to seem very self critical. In fact, they are often quite the opposite. However their self critical behavior is a fantastic way to prompt others to praise them and build them up.
Humans, by nature, like to make others feel good, and when we see someone feeling badly, or beating themselves up, it is a natural reaction to offer praise and encouragement. So the self criticism is a backwards way of getting compliments and recognition.
Empathy that is self serving
While many think that narcissists aren’t capable of feeling empathy, this is actually not entirely true. They may or may not feel empathy, but they almost always can show empathy.
The difference is that when someone with covert narcissism shows empathy there is usually a self serving motive behind it.
You may see kindness or compassion from them, but in these instances it is usually because they are trying to get acknowledgement from others for their kind words and actions. This is their way of winning the approval of others and, if they don’t get it, they often get resentful and bitter.
Dislike of change
Since covert narcissists believe they are perfect, or close to it, they usually believe they can determine an outcome easily and know how situations will play out.
When situations arise to change the circumstances it is very difficult for them to adjust. Their strict view of themselves makes it hard to adjust to changing situations. They tend to get rigid and anxious when plans change, and just don’t know how to deal with it.
Feelings of depression, anxiety or emptiness
As with many struggles people living with covert narcissism are at a higher risk for other issues like depression or anxiety.
People who hold such high expectations of themselves and others have a lot to fear. One small misstep can knock them off their fictional pedestal and exposing them as the humans they are.
They can also fall into a depression from the extreme mismatch between their idealized expectations and their inevitably flawed reality.
While this list is by no means exhaustive, it will give you an idea if you might be working with someone who is a narcissist. And once you determine this applies to you the next question is clear…
What should you do about it?
Well, first of all, you know I don’t like to “should” on anyone. It’s not good for me or for you. And I believe you will do exactly what you think is best for you.
Here is a short, and by no means complete, list of things you can do if you realize you are working with a narcissist:
See them for who they are
Now is not the time to make excuses or be sucked in by their charm. It’s easy to be drawn to their passion and ideas. After all, they have a lot of practice with them.
But notice how they behave when no one is watching. Pay attention to the word choices they use, the way they treat people when they don’t know they have an audience and how they talk about others.
Whatever you decide to do, being honest with yourself about who they are is the first key to deciding how you will deal with that.
Stop putting them first
Narcissists are masters at keeping the attention on themselves in ways that you won’t notice, unless you are looking for it.
They work hard to stay in the spotlight, for either positive or negative attention…and they are usually very good at it. It’s quite easy to buy into it.
The best thing you can do for yourself is not to let them take over your life and define your days. You are in control of the amount of time and attention you give them.
If that means you have to log off of all systems for certain periods of the day to carve out some time for yourself, to regroup and get back in touch with what matters to you, then that’s what you have to do.
Set clear boundaries
Not only are covert narcissists self absorbed, they have a magical way of bringing everyone into their world with them. Even if you consciously refuse, you may find yourself unconsciously getting sucked into their world.
By setting clear boundaries, and sticking to them, you are limiting the hold they can have on your life, and your mind. It may be difficult at first, but after some time they will come to understand that your boundaries are not negotiable.
Prepare for the backlash
Once you are onto them your behavior will likely change. You will be a bit more outspoken and a bit less tolerant. It’s human nature. Once something has been identified it’s almost impossible not to see it.
When you start reacting differently, and you set strong boundaries, don’t expect them to just sit back and accept the changes easily. 🙂 They may argue, make you feel guilty and try to make you believe you are the one being unreasonable.
Whatever their tactic, be prepared to stand strong. If you don’t, if you back down even in the slightest, they will see that as a win and you will never regain that ground.
Ultimately, only you can decide if you want to continue working with a covert narcissist or you want to cut ties. It is a personal decision and one that will be based largely on your ability to do the above things to deal with them effectively.
If, at any point, you find yourself taking things personally, beating yourself up or falling into the trap of believing that you are the issue then it’s time to move on.
No amount of money in the world is worth staying in a situation, at work or at home, where you are not free to be who you are. That is not why you went into business for yourself. It is not the mark you are meant to make on the world.
And it is not what you deserve.
If you want to chat about what kind of clients you want and how to build a plan to get them you can book a no obligation time here:
" A narcissist's criticism is their autobiography"
